Happy New Year ladies and gents ! First things first let me just say I hope you all had wonderful holidays, and an awesome new year. I know it’s been FOREVER since I’ve last written anything, but as mentioned before I only write when I’m inspired. I don’t want to make it a habit writing things just to write them; I want you all to feel my words, and completely understand it comes from a genuine place.
So, It’s safe to say that I have found my inspiration, and before I start I would like to point out I realize my stories won’t always be positive, in terms of emotion, but ultimately I aim to inspire you to reflect and be happy. Anyway long story short 2015 was THE single most exhausting, emotionally draining, and self challenging year thus far for me, but I have plenty of strength carried over from it. Now I will be lying if I said all of my issues and insecurities ended at the strike of midnight, but alas it did not. Im not really a fan of the”new year new me” resolutions only because change hits you like a brick wall sometimes, and in some cases by clear choice; you don’t need a holiday to tell you that you can change. I do however understand wanting to have a new slate.
In this particular post I want to share some things that are quite personal; because I’m trying this new thing called “openness” and I can’t expect you to relate to me or anything I write if I can’t be open to you the reader or myself. Last year from January to December I experienced constant lost, anger, depression, sadness, rocky relationships with not only my family, but my friends, with boys, and more importantly myself and faith. I was a wreck and I noticed that I continually closed myself off and I deprived myself of feeling real emotions, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I thought to myself why burden the ones I love with my problems when in actuality they have their own issues? Something I’m sure WE ALL say to ourselves at some point or another . Now, I’m not telling you guys this cause I search for pity, but to tell you how important it is to nurture yourself and what it means to give yourself a break, here’s my story.
Now, last year wasn’t all bad I got to travel a bit and see the big apple. The timing couldn’t have been more wrong though; at the time I was constantly in battle with my mom and I hated everything that was going on in STL. I debated if I wanted to go, but my friends insisted I leave it all for awhile and enjoy myself cause I deserved it, so I did. Till this day I don’t regret it and I have great memories engraved in my heart because of it . I’m not telling you this because it’s majorly important, because a lot of things happened last year, but something in particular happened to me while I was there and I’ll never forget it.
One day my friends and I were walking, on our way to Korean BBQ, and this “psychic” pulls me aside and she says “do you mind if I read you?” Now she didn’t have a robe or a crystal ball, but she was intriguing. I threw her a bone and said sure and what happens next shocked the hell out of me, but I managed to stay calm. She said “you’re a smart girl and you’re going to come into some money” oh how nice then she says “you’re smiling but you’re hurting on the inside and trying to keep it together. You love someone but your communication is bad ( my mom and I at the time ) and you’re stuck between two choices” the smile I had became confusion because she was right; now that may not seem impressive but that’s when the detachment started becoming clear to me I had everyone and myself fooled; I was not happy.
I left New York refreshed, but when I came back I felt oppressed all over again. Still hurting, still ashamed, and the weight of the world on my shoulders, and no one to really talk to about it. I wanted to reach out, but emotionally, I realize now, I was shutting down and wanted nothing to do with my feelings. So, I swallowed them and I carried on getting eaten away everyday by them. Moving forward I felt it would get better, but that was not my reality.
Moving on I met a guy, but that crashed faster than the speed of light. It sucked because I knew this guy, so I thought, and I dealt with it. More importantly I met another guy, but this guy was different for all the right reasons; though prior to him I got my heart broken three other times. So I wasn’t looking for this guy, and he managed to come out of nowhere and showed me some things. I was happy cause what I felt and what I continue to feel is real.
I knew that I wanted to get to know him more and see everything he would allow me to. I had my own life and he had his and we always met in the middle to spend time with one another. He somehow understood me perfectly and I never had to pretend to be anyone I wasn’t. So what happened to this great guy ? Well in between this something tragic happened to not only him and I but to a lot of us. A dear friend passed and I shut down even more and so did he. The following weeks got harder.
I did the best I could to be there for him. I gave him space and in that time I dealt with guilt and constant fighting with my mom at home. I cried for days, but I did everything I could to be strong for the ones around me and neglected my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. When the time came I was there open arms and tissues in hand, and I hugged him and everyone tighter than I ever could. I watched him be brave and share with me his strength; so again what happened ?
Fast forward till the last time I saw him we reunited and we were as we were before the distance. We laughed had drinks and was surrounded with friends. The night was great, but then the next day he disappeared. I mean physically he was there but mentally and emotionally he left me; I saw it in his eyes as we spent our last hours together. It wasn’t until later that day he said emotionally he had nothing to offer me, and let me tell ya it sucked. He was honest and said he thought he was ready, but then he realized he wasn’t and given the circumstances I understood. He seemed to think, still does, that I deserve so much better than him and that we’re opposites, but what he doesn’t know is that we are just alike, damaged and tired.
Yes it hurts like hell and I wanted more than anything to help him. However as time went on we realized it’s hard to be just friends, it’s hard to pretend what you had wasn’t real, and more importantly that we can’t physically be around one another. Now that’s not because there’s hate or anything, but because awkwardness is a thing. He tried to convince me that it wasn’t me; that it was something within himself and I didn’t listen. I wanted to believe it was me even though I knew he was telling the truth, and his friends did nothing but try to convince me how positive he felt about me.
So what could I do? Every aspect of my life had taken a downward spiral and I had little to no power to change it. So I started one problem at a time trying to resolve the issues around me. I mended my relationship with my mom, and believe me that took work. I then cried every tear I could for my buddy that passed and said my goodbyes. Lastly I confronted the special guy and told him I could never forget and that I am always there, dignity in tact not giving him all of me because he couldn’t do the same for me.
Now why did I mention all these things? it’simple because I missed the most important person in this puzzle, me. That’s right I spent ALL my energy on everyone else and their emotions that I completely neglected myself. I lost who I was with the people I was around, and to the people I cared for the most. I couldn’t deal; so now here I am dealing with all of this in the best way I can before I shut down further because no one wants or need to hear it. I know now my emotions have managed to stop firing and Ive become, or at least realized, the true emotionally unavaible one.
I started telling myself there is no point in emotion, or feelings, or relationships of any kind not even one with myself. It got easier to feel this way because I no longer am in tuned with myself and the love I so foolishly spent on others is far gone for myself. I was just a mirror reflecting emotion onto others to avoid what is really going on inside; Im broken hearted, vulnerable and completely oblivious to my own needs.
Now this is quite the dilemma I’ve gotten myself into; still unable to show my emotions I talked to EVERYONE on my friends list. I started keeping myself busy with any and everything I could to numb these damn emotions of mine. I work extra hours, I hit the gym, and I quit romance and love all together. Why? Because being unavaible doesn’t mean you don’t desire another person or relationships with people, friends, family, etc; it’s acknowledging that something within you prevents those things from happening. Maybe it’s fear of vulnerability or just the lack of interest to be in tuned with ones self, but either way I realize I can’t be this way forever and I don’t want to be.
Am I fixed? No far from it, but I know I have a problem. I haven’t given myself the love and attention it deserves in quite some time. Trust me admitting this much is a huge step because it requires a lot of self reflection. I decided if I’m ever going to help or be with anybody I need to first be there for me. Which I admit is THE hardest thing because I didnt know where to start at first.
So I started writing all my goals. It may seem simple but acknowledging what you want for yourself is a great way to journey back to self; it’s a way of saying you do want more for yourself and not just settle for who you are at the moment. Next I started reading and reading everyday to fuel my imagination because, to me, that’s part of what makes me so different. Anytime I have thoughts to txt I put my phone away and constantly tell myself if I can’t be vulnerable to myself then there’s no way I can take care of anyone else. I have to get selfish this time and preserve the good I know is still in me. I had to realize I can no longer chase after things I know I can’t have because I must go on and love Moli first.
I said all these things to say I’m still uncertain cause I haven’t really been with myself, and I still can’t muster up any tears. Im not available and I still shutter at this whole being open thing, but I know it’s what I need. I’m realizing the importance of getting to know yourself because it gets easy to get lost in others if you don’t.
Now this is all the tip of an ice berg that’s been forming for quite some time. I’ve noticed though the fire within me refuses to quit and settle for less than I deserve because it serves a purpose to no one,no matter what my heart wants. I’m a damn good woman with a lot to say and to offer, but all of that needs to happen to myself. So I’m going to do what’s best for me and let things play out the way they’re meant to. Doesn’t mean I don’t care or desire but I am acknowledging that it’s about me and my issues, and the fact I can’t bring anyone else into that family, friends, or boys. Im a lot wiser than I use to be, but of course Im willing to improve, always.
I’m curious to know more about myself because I owe it to me. I’m getting a little selfish for all the right reasons and for those of you who understands I hope I gave you insight. Ask yourself the hard questions then ask them again and see if you want the same things. Growing up my mom called me her love child cause I always had a big heart to nurture others, but I get it now it’s my turn. See you on the flip side cause I am going to turn out just fine.
Until next time,